How to Talk To Women, Step 1: Shut-up

The dating world is a frightening, confusing landscape of code-breaking and signal interpretation. What you might have thought was goo-goo eyes from the future mother of your children might have been the “rescue me” signal of a woman imagining a half dozen ways that she could get away with murdering you to escape your conversation. It’s not easy is what I’m saying. For either side. And for a feller there’s no foolproof equation for serving up a deal-closing first impression to that newly met prospective ladyfriend. At least there wasn’t, until now.

Oh sure, these two look like they're working toward the same goal. This'll work out great.

The folks at pickupmetrics.com (with the help of “the world’s best female dating experts and pickup artists”) have outlined an easy to follow info graphic that will ensure that any guy who follows their very simple, very clear advice can land that life mate or at least fill an evening with bar chat that’ll make you feel like you made enough of a connection with another human being to make the rest of the lonely nights at home bearable until you can engage in the same empty, unfulfilling cycle all over again… DATING!

Alright, in knowing how to do well it helps to know what not to do. So, by the logic here, what you need to lead with is intense, silent, unblinking, a-sexual stares. Check. Already a key component in my dating arsenal.

To ensure optimal attraction, add an element of decently groomed, controlled social drinking conversation about bland topics while enjoying her company, BUT NOT TOO MUCH! And now that you're on a razor's edge, precariously balancing yourself on the edge of presentable insanity, what is it that you can do to inch forward in this game of "don't be yourself"?

Ah yes, re-enforcing the creepy silent stare. If I know anything about women (which is debatable) I know that that move KILLS... I don't mean to say I kill women. Oh god, uhm, uhh, "Your eyes are a wonderful blue like that thing we have similar interests in... Right?"

Well hey, it looks like Douchey the Magician has similar ideas. Okay, so, alright, I guess we're on the same page so far. Are we married yet?! No, play it cool, we can do this...

Women want to feel genuinely dominated. Got it.

Ask questions and look interested while listening to her answers, not because you actually want to get to know her, but so she doesn't leave yet. So far so good.

"Man, my buddy Derek's band could totally play our wedding. Hmm? Oh, yeah, I know of cats too."

Ask questions, but don't talk too much. Uncomfortable silence is actually good because it shows you're not nervous or self-absorbed? I can feel a full face rash coming on...

If there's anything that I know in this life, it's that if the advice of DJ Fuji doesn't land you a lady, you only have yourself to blame.

I can earn "Fun Money" by making sure I keep everything surface and light. "Hey, how about that pop culture thing? I have no strong opinion one way or another about the world around me. Wacky voice, head waggle!"

"Hey, you're like a 6 or something right? Would you like to look pretty at a local area or place that I don't dislike?"

But you told me to just stare at her! Damn it! ... I'm going to die alone...